1
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:21,213
Falling in love is beautiful.
2
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:30,556
Nothing in the world
makes us feel so good.
3
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:33,692
Don't!
That hurts! Don't!
4
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:37,529
Oh, poor Kate.
Let me make it better. Ow!
5
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,665
You're ugly.
You're ugly!
6
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:55,180
First love is the most powerful
because no one's been hurt yet.
7
00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:58,450
My first love
was Bobby Norton.
8
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:01,353
Everything he did
had a sort of magic to it.
9
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,522
The way he smiled,
the way he talked,
10
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,658
the way he walked like my favorite actor,
Billy Jack.
11
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,628
Bobby was a movie star.
12
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,742
Hi.
Hi.
13
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:27,880
You okay?
Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard next time.
14
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,621
My heart just got bigger.
15
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:43,695
When I look at you like this,
it looks like you only have one eye.
16
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,864
Thank you.
17
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,312
One of the many differences...
18
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,314
between men and women
when it comes to love...
19
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,851
is the need to tell the world
every little detail.
20
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:08,620
If you do choose
to spill your guts to someone,
21
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,956
just make sure
it isn't Becky Sussman.
22
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:24,203
Bobby, are you okay?
How could you do it?
23
00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:28,340
What did I do? You told everybody.
How could you do that?
24
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:31,710
All my friends are making fun of me,
and now it's over.
25
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,712
It's over!
26
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,449
Bobby!
27
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:40,752
Bobby, I'll tell your friends
I was lying!
28
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,624
I'll let you
hit me harder.
29
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,693
Bobby?
30
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:51,396
Love is a mine field.
You take a step,
31
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,700
get blown to pieces,
put yourself back together again...
32
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:57,269
and stupidly
take another step.
33
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,338
I guess
that's human nature.
34
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,941
It hurts so much to be alone that we'd all rather blow up than be single.
35
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:09,881
♪
36
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:12,784
♪ Clouds from chimneys rise
37
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:16,488
♪ They're something
wild and free ♪
38
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:19,758
♪ That river always runs
39
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:24,663
♪ Away from here
and you and me ♪
40
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:26,698
♪ Honey child
41
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:30,636
♪ Oh, my honey child
42
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:36,608
♪
43
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,678
♪ These stones
are in your hands ♪
44
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,648
♪ Through the air
across the sea ♪
45
00:04:42,650 --> 00:04:45,550
What's new, Frank?
Kate.
46
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:51,423
It, uh,
doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate.
47
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,726
Yeah. I know.
But it makes me feel more involved.
48
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:58,463
Are you angry?
No! Why?
49
00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,999
Well, I just heard this thing where single women...
50
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,769
tend to be eight times angrier than married women.
51
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:07,839
Maybe you should write an article about that,
since you're not married.
52
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,342
Uh, yeah.
I would, but uh--
53
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:11,910
I'm in the middle
of writing an article...
54
00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:15,013
on married bald guys who can't get hard without Viagra.
55
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,685
♪ Hold me closer
56
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,854
♪ Closer still and
57
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:26,825
♪ Closer, say I
58
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:31,697
♪ All the ways I will
59
00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:36,368
♪
60
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:38,870
♪ Ah, honey child
61
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,815
- You're late.
- I know.
62
00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:52,851
Not a good day to be late.
Why not?
63
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,053
Because the antichrist
is really pissed at you.
64
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,723
She said she wants to see you
in her office right now.
65
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,725
Oh, God.
Why?
66
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,594
Well, I'm not
supposed to say.
67
00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:08,767
Do you have any stretch marks?
Not yet.
68
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,870
Damn!
Have a deadline on my vitamin E piece.
69
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,639
I know that heifer in accounting has them,
but she's not talking.
70
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,842
Does anybody have
any stretch marks?
71
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,580
Sit down.
72
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,753
Oh, God.
73
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:30,689
Don't get old, Kate.
Old is ugly.
74
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,858
Ugly is death.
75
00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:37,095
- You're fired.
- What?
76
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:39,097
Get me Leo.
77
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:42,567
Were you planning on turning in the
article I assigned after I read that one?
78
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,903
You said I should make
the article my own, so I did.
79
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:49,741
Kate.
Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cocks.
80
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,111
Right. Actually, I called it a blow-by-blow.
Very clever.
81
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:57,783
"When life sucks, so should you.
Oral sex can cure depression--"
82
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,851
What the fuck were you thinking?
All right.
83
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,853
So maybe the title
is a little harsh.
84
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:05,123
But I found a great hook, don't you think?
When I said make it your own,
85
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,759
I meant draw from your own experiences and relationships.
86
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:12,130
That's what I did.
I know ten times more about blow jobs...
87
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,199
than I do
about relationships.
88
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,935
I've failed at every relationship I've ever been in.
89
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,938
I don't know what's going on in your personal life,
and I really don't give a shit.
90
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,808
The point is,
our readers still have hope.
91
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,777
This is called Monique magazine.
Monique. My name is at stake here.
92
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,580
It is not called, Tired, Old,
Jaded Dick-sucker Review.
93
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,016
All right.
Wh-What if Mary...
94
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:33,652
writes the piece on
perfect relationships,
95
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,654
and do the little thing
on stretch marks.
96
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,889
I know tons of people
with stretch marks.
97
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:41,226
Okay.
98
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,829
I'm going to be completely
honest with you here.
99
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:46,097
I can't cope
with being fired.
100
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:50,902
This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at.
101
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,805
I can do the assignment.
I know I can.
102
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,875
Can you finish 2,500 happy,
perky words by deadline tonight?
103
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,711
- Absolutely.
- Then you are temporarily "unfired."
104
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,713
Thank you.
Now get the fuck out of my office.
105
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,956
Shit! Shit! Shit!
106
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:14,726
So, were you fired?
Not yet.
107
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:19,931
Hey, somebody made a copy of your blow job article and circulated it.
108
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:23,869
Pretty good.
So, you use your hands, huh?
109
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:43,655
Happy, perky notes...
110
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:47,792
on how to find and keep
that perfect man.
111
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,869
We all want to be loved.
112
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,772
Sometimes it doesn't
even matter who loves us,
113
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:03,241
as long as they make us
feel less alone.
114
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,912
What makes a relationship
last forever?
115
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:10,649
I guess if I knew the answer to that,
I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats.
116
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:21,126
They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince.
117
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:25,030
Richard Miltner was the most boring frog I ever dated.
118
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,666
But sometimes, you just
have to get out of the house.
119
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:32,070
...The masculine
and the feminine--
120
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,940
Boy, we lucked out
pretty good.
121
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,642
My mother's corns
aren't usually this bad,
122
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,646
but lucky for us she wasn't able to
walk well enough to come to the show.
123
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:44,716
It's haunting,
don't you think?
124
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:49,254
What? Uh, the paintings.
They're pretty disturbing.
125
00:09:52,024 --> 00:09:54,960
- You think?
- If I had a kid,
126
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,629
I definitely wouldn't put one of these up in his bedroom.
127
00:09:58,631 --> 00:10:01,733
Unless I hated him.
128
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:05,937
My father would have hung stuff like this from my ceilings.
129
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,374
He hated me. You know,
my mother hated me too.
130
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:14,746
She used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four.
131
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:18,183
Yeah.
Always sent me into these deep depressions.
132
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:21,953
Which was what she wanted,
because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.
133
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,123
Yeah, she hated when I bugged her for food and stuff.
134
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:31,329
Hey, uh,
would you like a champagne? What?
135
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:34,065
Uh, a champagne.
Would you like one?
136
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,067
Yeah.
Absolutely. Okay.
137
00:10:49,982 --> 00:10:52,717
Were you lookin'
for me?
138
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:54,919
No!
Okay.
139
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:58,056
No, I really wasn't
looking for anybody.
140
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:01,326
You mind if I talk to you for a minute?
141
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:03,928
Sure.
142
00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:06,965
In the corner?
In the corner?
143
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,967
I don't like the middle of rooms.
It's--
144
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,169
Just come with me to the corner.
Nobody's behind you in the corner.
145
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,171
Just--
Come on.
146
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,450
So, who's that guy you're with?
What guy?
147
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:28,720
Oh, uh, Richard?
He's a stand-up comedian.
148
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:32,457
Yeah, he seems funny.
Is he your boyfriend? Richard? No.
149
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,026
No, he's 30 years old, and
he lives with his mother.
150
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,129
So what do you think
of the paintings?
151
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,365
I love the style, but
I think they're immature.
152
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,367
Immature?
Mm-hmm.
153
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,704
- What makes you say that?
- Look at that one over there.
154
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:49,007
- Yeah?
- What the hell's that supposed to mean?
155
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,776
That?
I think that one's supposed to mean that there's a woman...
156
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:54,446
pulling a severed head
out of her ass.
157
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:57,415
What's the point?
What do I learn from it?
158
00:11:57,417 --> 00:12:00,752
Maybe that's it.
Maybe there's no point.
159
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:03,088
You're not supposed
to learn anything.
160
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:05,090
I wonder what
the artist looks like.
161
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:07,325
He must be pretty scary with shit like that coming out of his head.
162
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:12,130
Maybe he has a highly-developed dark
side that you might not be in contact with.
163
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,935
How long did it take you
to paint that one?
164
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,342
Oh, gosh.
There you are.
165
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:26,344
I've been looking
all over for you.
166
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:30,181
You are a doll! Look at this.
Thank you. Uh, Richard,
167
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,851
Adam Levy.
168
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:36,221
Oh, wow!
Wow, you're the artist.
169
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:40,425
Wow, you're the lucky guy. Oh, yeah,
we were just getting around...
170
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:43,061
to discussing
our future children.
171
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:45,263
Right, but I don't think you're gonna have a future together.
172
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,133
I'm sorry. Excuse me?
In order to have a future,
173
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,902
I would assume you would
see the person again.
174
00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:53,238
You're not going to be seeing her anymore,
'cause she's my girlfriend now.
175
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,306
- What?
- What?
176
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:59,844
From the moment we laid eyes on each other,
we had this immediate spark.
177
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:03,081
Isn't that right,
uh-- Kate! Kate.
178
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,784
Isn't that right, Kate?
No, actually.
179
00:13:05,786 --> 00:13:08,153
Oh, I-- Oh.
Is this some kind of joke, or--
180
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,856
No, no, but this is--
Two guys walk into a bar.
181
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:16,294
One guy is a 30-year old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother.
182
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:22,333
Okay. Could we, uh,
go now, please?
183
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,869
Um, uh--
184
00:13:27,373 --> 00:13:31,309
You know, it is women like you
who turn men into weirdos.
185
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,311
Richard--
No, no, don't bother.
186
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,114
Once I've been hurt,
there's no turning back.
187
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,986
Wow, that wasn't cool.
I made it weird.
188
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,522
It was mean. You shouldn't have done that.
I know, I know.
189
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:48,459
So, where should we eat?
190
00:14:02,441 --> 00:14:06,244
You are without a doubt the tallest woman I've ever met in my life.
191
00:14:07,313 --> 00:14:10,348
Really?
Mm-hmm.
192
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:13,518
Could I see your hands?
I've been noticing them.
193
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:17,222
You just have these
long E.T. fingers.
194
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,624
Like a tree frog.
195
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:25,496
Oh, my God!
Oh, my-- How big?
196
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:28,533
Size 11. Yeah, size 11.
Size 11?
197
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:32,070
Woman's size 11? Is this some artist thing?
Focusing on people's flaws?
198
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:35,874
I don't see them as flaws.
I see them as God's little artistic choices.
199
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:40,044
So I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head.
200
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,882
You know what's
different about that?
201
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:47,318
You're being shitty and mean,
and I was celebrating your body.
202
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,555
Who you are as a person. Yeah, I was.
You were celebrating my body.
203
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:53,591
You know, I like this part
of the relationship, normally.
204
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:58,429
And what part is that? When it's new,
you know. You ask all the fun questions.
205
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,565
Mm, right.
Me first.
206
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,402
Okay.
What's your relationship like with your dad?
207
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,972
Um, my dad's dead.
208
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:11,109
He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six.
209
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,912
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I don't--
210
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,481
Just kidding.
We get along great.
211
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,384
Any brothers and sisters?
It's my turn.
212
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,120
No, I've taken your turn away.
Any brothers or sisters?
213
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:25,323
I have three older brothers.
How many women have you slept with?
214
00:15:26,325 --> 00:15:28,326
Excuse me?
Oh, come on.
215
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:30,395
It's not like you haven't
counted them. How many?
216
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:34,232
- How many men have you slept with?
- Not that many. Thirteen.
217
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:37,335
Thirteen?
Mm-hmm.
218
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,271
As, like,
13 different guys? Yeah.
219
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:42,373
Spread out over the years,
that's not so many.
220
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,011
Aren't you gonna
answer the question?
221
00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:52,450
Two. Okay?
222
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,719
Two?
That's it?
223
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:58,356
That's it.
Some of us actually believe in having full relationships.
224
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,491
I know that might be hard-- Hey, I believe in relationships.
225
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,493
Mine just happened
to be short ones.
226
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:06,464
I'm sorry, I can't--
You're like a whore.
227
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,469
Excuse me?
You are.
228
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,039
Thirteen. Jesus Christ.
Give me a break.
229
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:20,044
So, were you popular in high school?
What do you think?
230
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:22,313
I guess that's a "no."
231
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:26,617
I don't need this shit. I really don't.
I happened to have been very popular.
232
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,454
I was an artist.
I used to draw all the pretty girls.
233
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:33,224
I used to make them look better than they did,
and they loved me.
234
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,994
No, they didn't sleep with me,
but they did, they loved me.
235
00:16:35,996 --> 00:16:38,429
How about you? You were probably real popular,
with that attitude.
236
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,732
You must have been like
the girls from Carrie.
237
00:16:40,734 --> 00:16:43,634
Nope. No. I had
huge buck teeth,
238
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:47,005
and bony knees,
and I slouched 'cause I was trying to hide the fact...
239
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,374
that I hadn't grown
any boobs yet.
240
00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,510
My hair was all stringy,
and everybody called me "Horse Face."
241
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,512
Horse Face?
Yeah, it suits you.
242
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,482
Oh, you think so?
No, I like it. Yeah.
243
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,484
You like it. Yeah.
What's the longest kiss you've ever had?
244
00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:05,223
The longest kiss? You know what?
Don't tell me. It'll make me jealous.
245
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,593
Just make sure
this one's longer, okay?
246
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:18,336
Adam was unlike any guy
I'd ever known.
247
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,538
We were
instant best friends.
248
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:24,675
Two people who understood each other without having to say a word.
249
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:27,512
It wasn't like that at all
in my first relationship.
250
00:17:29,581 --> 00:17:34,085
It was a bad idea to give up my virginity
to my high school French teacher.
251
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:41,592
If two people...
252
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,594
who want to be
a couple of them,
253
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:46,531
it is good when they are
making love with each other...
254
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:49,233
because if you're nice-- compris?
What?
255
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,270
Let's make love.
256
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:57,375
We will, Mr. Bossard,
I promise.
257
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,377
I don't think
I can tonight, though.
258
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,846
I'm not really
ready yet.
259
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:03,848
You are not ready because you feel you and I...
260
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:06,717
do not have the quality of life together with each other.
261
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,554
I am sad for this.
What?
262
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:13,424
Let's make love, Cherie, please.
I am waiting for so long.
263
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:17,562
Will it hurt?
Do not be scary.
264
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,630
I am there for you
needing me.
265
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:23,468
What?
266
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,212
Mr. Bossard?
Eh?
267
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:37,115
Are you... doing it?
Oui.
268
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:39,117
I can't believe it!
269
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,119
This was supposed to hurt!
270
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:43,588
Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life.
271
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:47,258
Are you...
smaller than most guys?
272
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,494
♪
273
00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:52,497
My older man/daddy phase continued on past high school...
274
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,499
and right into college.
275
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,435
I was not a very evolved person
by the time I ran into Eric.
276
00:18:57,437 --> 00:19:01,839
♪ Hey, now
I'm really draggin' ♪
277
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,345
Are you okay? Are you blind?
Are you out of your mind?
278
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:10,248
What is wrong with you?
This is a brand-new car!
279
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:12,450
Oh, my God!
You could have fucking killed me!
280
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:16,187
What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey.
Okay. Shh. I said I'm sorry.
281
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,856
This is Armani! A $500 shirt.
I didn't see you.
282
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,858
- You didn't see me?
- I didn't see you.
283
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:24,228
Were you painting your fucking toenails?
Hey! Listen, fuck face!
284
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:27,398
I didn't see you, okay?
I didn't wake up this morning and go,
285
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:31,335
"Oh, geez,
today's the day I want to crash into some fucking uptight yuppie."
286
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:33,504
- All right?
- You know what, lady? Fuck you, okay?
287
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,706
Fuck you.
Oh, yeah? Fuck you!
288
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:38,709
- Hey!
- Oh, shit! Fuck!
289
00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,945
Fuck, all right?
There! You gonna see that?
290
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,517
Okay, break it up.
Break it up.
291
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,953
Shut up!
Hands behind your--
292
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:51,856
Hands behind your back.
Hit him! Hit him!
293
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:56,894
I think we got off
on the wrong foot.
294
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:00,565
The wrong foot?
You just beat the shit out of my car.
295
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,600
I'm sorry about that.
296
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:05,603
Let's just-- Maybe we can start over again,
all right?
297
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:09,574
You got any plans for dinner tonight?
After we make bail.
298
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,281
So, this is where writers hang out, huh? Mm-hmm.
299
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,686
What do you write about?
300
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,821
I'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at U.C.L.A.
301
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,657
Ooh. Novel, huh?
Mm-hmm.
302
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:29,293
- What's it about?
- Death.
303
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:33,231
Hmm.
That sounds interesting.
304
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:36,601
So, what do you do?
305
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:39,804
I work a lot with
Big Red Ass Monkeys.
306
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,975
It's a band, you know?
307
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:46,677
You know the band?
308
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:49,880
♪ Big Red Ass Monkeys are here ♪ I direct music videos.
309
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,617
Is that the one where the naked girl swims with a chimp?
310
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:56,287
Ape. Great ape.
Right.
311
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:59,390
I guess chimps don't have
those big, red asses.
312
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,792
I don't know.
I never checked.
313
00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:14,272
You think maybe...
I could kiss you?
314
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:18,342
- Maybe later.
- Maybe later when?
315
00:21:18,344 --> 00:21:21,646
Maybe later,
like in five seconds.
316
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:25,950
Five, four, three,
two--
317
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:30,721
♪ Lookin' over
my weak side shoulder ♪
318
00:21:30,723 --> 00:21:34,659
♪ Makes me sit all night envision playin' hard to forget ♪
319
00:21:34,661 --> 00:21:39,063
♪ Dominatin'
the party conversation ♪
320
00:21:39,065 --> 00:21:43,501
♪ But never sayin' nothin'
that she'll regret ♪
321
00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:47,638
♪ No bloomin' Daisy is
this woman's kind of crazy ♪
322
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:50,074
♪ No sense of motion
323
00:21:50,076 --> 00:21:52,076
♪ From bells to beehive
324
00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:54,078
♪ I love to kiss her
325
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:57,081
♪ All highest her
326
00:21:57,083 --> 00:22:00,084
♪ Till my tongue is tied
327
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:03,654
♪ Yes, you're retro-sexy
328
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:19,904
Ah, I hate
when that happens.
329
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:25,743
A toast.
To our three-week anniversary.
330
00:22:31,049 --> 00:22:34,352
You know,
I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.
331
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:38,689
Well, not counting Mr.
Bossard, which lasted one semester.
332
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:42,493
- Oh, God, did I ever tell you--
- Can we not talk about your high school French teacher?
333
00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:45,663
- It really disturbs me.
- Okay.
334
00:22:45,665 --> 00:22:49,834
- Good.
- So, what about your last relationship?
335
00:22:49,836 --> 00:22:52,069
Oh, God.
What about it?
336
00:22:52,071 --> 00:22:55,906
How long was it, again?
Five miserable years.
337
00:22:55,908 --> 00:23:00,745
- What did you have in common?
- Mm, nothing.
338
00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:05,750
- What do we have in common?
- We have a lot in common.
339
00:23:05,752 --> 00:23:08,786
Like what?
340
00:23:10,021 --> 00:23:12,390
Like...
341
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:16,827
how many people do you know who can
comfortably have sex in public places?
342
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:19,096
Every guy I've ever met.
343
00:23:21,032 --> 00:23:23,934
Morning. You know what day
today is, don't you?
344
00:23:23,936 --> 00:23:26,737
What?
Sunday morning.
345
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,807
My turn.
346
00:23:29,809 --> 00:23:31,809
I thought
it was my turn.
347
00:23:31,811 --> 00:23:34,111
Nope.
It's my turn.
348
00:23:38,150 --> 00:23:41,519
You know what?
This game's idiotic.
349
00:23:41,521 --> 00:23:44,422
It's not spontaneous if it's scheduled.
That's not true.
350
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:47,892
See, scheduled spontaneity
is the key to long-term love.
351
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:52,029
Ahh!
352
00:23:52,031 --> 00:23:54,899
Don't look so happy.
353
00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:57,134
I like Sundays.
354
00:23:59,905 --> 00:24:03,040
Now, careful, careful.
355
00:24:03,042 --> 00:24:05,576
Ohh, yeah.
356
00:24:05,578 --> 00:24:08,512
Ohh, y--
357
00:24:08,514 --> 00:24:12,616
Uh, I'm not getting that.
They can wait. Come on.
358
00:24:14,152 --> 00:24:17,087
You get it or you're not gettin' it.
I can't get it.
359
00:24:20,659 --> 00:24:23,928
All right.
360
00:24:23,930 --> 00:24:25,930
I'll be back.
361
00:24:29,935 --> 00:24:32,803
Just don't lose
your concentration, okay?
362
00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:35,906
Oh, where are
you going, huh?
363
00:24:35,908 --> 00:24:37,908
Oh, now you want some,
don't you?
364
00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:41,479
Just hold that thought, okay? Daddy!
365
00:24:43,915 --> 00:24:46,951
- Daddy, guess what? I got a kitty and I named him--
- We're gonna go.
366
00:24:46,953 --> 00:24:49,487
Come on, sweet. Come with mommy.
It's not what it looks like.
367
00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:53,757
Mel, will you wait?
Mel?
368
00:24:53,759 --> 00:24:56,660
Kate. Kate!
I can expla-- Kate!
369
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:59,697
Will you come back?
I'm trying to tell you--
370
00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:02,833
Will you stop? Will you stop?
What are you?
371
00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:04,902
I understand how you feel, okay?
No, no.
372
00:25:04,904 --> 00:25:08,506
No, you don't. You have no idea how anyone feels.
You're a sociopath.
373
00:25:08,508 --> 00:25:11,809
Look, I'm planning on getting a divorce!
Don't ever touch me.
374
00:25:13,011 --> 00:25:15,179
Kate!
Daddy!
375
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:19,950
Even when
bad relationships end,
376
00:25:19,952 --> 00:25:23,020
the pain can be severe enough
to screw you up for years.
377
00:25:23,022 --> 00:25:25,923
We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup.
378
00:25:25,925 --> 00:25:28,959
The hope is that when the bags start to accumulate,
379
00:25:28,961 --> 00:25:32,029
we're still able to drag them into the next relationship.
380
00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:34,865
Fortunately, when Adam and I
moved in together,
381
00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:37,034
my carry-on baggage
was fairly light.
382
00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:46,043
I was going to put Paul's Entrails in the bedroom.
That's better for the bathroom.
383
00:25:46,045 --> 00:25:49,980
If you want to be obvious.
Okay. Whatever you want.
384
00:25:54,953 --> 00:25:57,855
I love you, horse face.
I love you, too.
385
00:25:57,857 --> 00:26:01,025
I love you. I mean,
I love you more than I've ever loved anybody...
386
00:26:01,027 --> 00:26:03,761
ever... in my life.
387
00:26:06,698 --> 00:26:10,568
Where are you goin'?
Kate?
388
00:26:12,938 --> 00:26:15,973
Oh, God.
Okay. Say it.
389
00:26:15,975 --> 00:26:17,942
Why do you want me to say it again?
Because it was cute,
390
00:26:17,944 --> 00:26:19,944
and I want that cute moment saved forever.
391
00:26:19,946 --> 00:26:22,980
Honey, I-- It's not gonna sound cute.
It's gonna sound forced.
392
00:26:22,982 --> 00:26:25,282
And I'm irritated,
so could we just-- Just say it.
393
00:26:25,284 --> 00:26:28,686
I love you.
394
00:26:28,688 --> 00:26:31,822
- "Horse face."
- I love you, horse face.
395
00:26:31,824 --> 00:26:33,958
I love you too.
Now strip.
396
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,960
Strip?
Strip.
397
00:26:35,962 --> 00:26:39,730
Put the-- Put the toy away,
and we'll-- Go on.
398
00:26:39,732 --> 00:26:41,966
Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
Come on.
399
00:26:41,968 --> 00:26:44,068
Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
Take it off. Come on!
400
00:26:44,070 --> 00:26:46,103
Don't poke the bear in the zoo.
Whip it out.
401
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:48,272
♪ Do it now, ha
402
00:26:50,976 --> 00:26:52,710
♪ Yea, hey
403
00:26:52,712 --> 00:27:00,084
♪ Hey, once I was
a boogie singer ♪
404
00:27:00,086 --> 00:27:03,287
♪ Playin' in
a rock 'n' roll band ♪
405
00:27:03,289 --> 00:27:08,292
♪ I never had
no problems, yeah ♪
406
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:12,663
♪ Burnin' down
the one-night stands ♪
407
00:27:12,665 --> 00:27:17,835
♪ When everything
around me, yeah ♪
408
00:27:17,837 --> 00:27:22,139
♪ Got to stop
from feelin' so low ♪
409
00:27:22,141 --> 00:27:25,976
♪ Then I decided quickly
Yes, I did ♪
410
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:30,247
♪ To disco down
and check out the show ♪
411
00:27:30,249 --> 00:27:34,284
♪ Yeah,
they were dancin' and singin' and movin' to the groovin' ♪
412
00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:41,692
When you finally get to share your lonely bed with the one you love,
413
00:27:41,694 --> 00:27:45,095
life just doesn't
get any better.
414
00:27:45,097 --> 00:27:48,966
Oh, God. Ow, baby.
That was not me!
415
00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:51,168
Stop. Stop it.
Come on.
416
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:54,271
That was you.
That's the first time you ever--
417
00:27:54,273 --> 00:27:56,774
That was your first fart.
Come here, baby.
418
00:27:56,776 --> 00:27:59,043
That was your first fart.
You do love me.
419
00:27:59,045 --> 00:28:01,979
Don't blame it on me.
420
00:28:01,981 --> 00:28:04,014
That's so cute.
You're embarrassed.
421
00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:07,718
Come here. Come here.
No woman has ever farted in front of me before.
422
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,954
♪ Under the light of the moon
423
00:28:10,956 --> 00:28:13,157
♪ Mother Earth
424
00:28:13,159 --> 00:28:16,226
♪ Will fall asleep so soon
425
00:28:16,228 --> 00:28:19,830
♪ Dream of many a thing
426
00:28:19,832 --> 00:28:23,067
♪ Before she'll
slowly wake up ♪
427
00:28:23,069 --> 00:28:25,936
♪ And then
428
00:28:25,938 --> 00:28:30,140
♪ We're all touring
for the morning train ♪
429
00:28:30,142 --> 00:28:34,311
♪ 'Cause the alarm clock
overslept again ♪
430
00:28:34,313 --> 00:28:38,482
♪ And when the day is done
the battle's won ♪
431
00:28:38,484 --> 00:28:40,851
♪ But she'll never know
432
00:28:40,853 --> 00:28:43,187
♪ What's goin' on
433
00:28:47,192 --> 00:28:49,893
♪ Get up, stay down
434
00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:53,297
♪ Get pushed around
435
00:28:59,939 --> 00:29:03,073
Hi.
Hi.
436
00:29:07,378 --> 00:29:10,814
- Hi.
- What?
437
00:29:10,816 --> 00:29:13,751
- What?
- Why are you smiling at me like that?
438
00:29:13,753 --> 00:29:16,520
Because it's our one-year anniversary.
You should be smiling too.
439
00:29:18,758 --> 00:29:22,126
- Well, I guess so.
- Come here.
440
00:29:22,128 --> 00:29:24,995
Come on!
441
00:29:24,997 --> 00:29:26,997
No, come here.
442
00:29:26,999 --> 00:29:29,099
Come on.
Are you a grouchy little bunny? Yeah.
443
00:29:29,101 --> 00:29:31,502
Yeah.
444
00:29:31,504 --> 00:29:34,304
Well, I'm going to be taking you to someplace very special today.
445
00:29:34,306 --> 00:29:37,441
Where?
Well, it's a surprise.
446
00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:40,077
Now, go fill me a tub,
and I'll take you.
447
00:29:40,079 --> 00:29:42,913
Now? In the middle of the day?
I'm feeling very, very dirty.
448
00:29:42,915 --> 00:29:46,116
I need a tub.
Forget it.
449
00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,952
It's our annivers-- Could you just fill me a tub?
450
00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:51,321
Come on, you big grouch.
Just go.
451
00:29:51,323 --> 00:29:54,458
My God,
it's like pulling teeth with you to get anything.
452
00:29:57,295 --> 00:30:00,230
Oh, my God!
453
00:30:03,368 --> 00:30:06,403
Are you insane?
What are we going to do with all these kitties?
454
00:30:06,405 --> 00:30:08,372
I don't know.
We'll make stew, I figured.
455
00:30:08,374 --> 00:30:11,375
What are they doing
in there?
456
00:30:11,377 --> 00:30:13,443
What are they do--
They like you, obviously.
457
00:30:13,445 --> 00:30:15,445
This one's Louie,
this one's Murray.
458
00:30:15,447 --> 00:30:19,349
This one's Steve
and this one is Mordecai.
459
00:30:19,351 --> 00:30:23,387
I got 'em from
the Chinese restaurant.
460
00:30:23,389 --> 00:30:26,590
Hi, Mommy. Hello.
461
00:30:26,592 --> 00:30:29,560
Aren't I cute?
Hi!
462
00:30:29,562 --> 00:30:32,162
You're my new mommy now.
463
00:30:32,164 --> 00:30:35,199
Bet the other 13 guys you slept
with didn't get you a litter...
464
00:30:35,201 --> 00:30:37,201
of cute little kitties
like this, did they?
465
00:30:37,203 --> 00:30:38,368
I'm pregnant.
466
00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:43,173
You're--
Really?
467
00:30:43,175 --> 00:30:46,210
I took the little stick test this morning,
and it turned pink.
468
00:30:46,212 --> 00:30:50,180
Pink?
Is it-- Isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?
469
00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:54,251
Believe it or not, Adam,
I know how to pee on a stick and read directions.
470
00:30:57,989 --> 00:31:01,291
- I thought we were being safe.
- Yeah, I guess not safe enough.
471
00:31:04,162 --> 00:31:06,296
God, we hardly
know each other.
472
00:31:06,298 --> 00:31:09,199
Oh, we know each other.
473
00:31:09,201 --> 00:31:12,236
I don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam.
I'm too confused.
474
00:31:12,238 --> 00:31:15,305
Too immature.
Too messy.
475
00:31:15,307 --> 00:31:19,476
Well, what about abortion?
Did you ever think about that...
476
00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:21,411
possibility?
477
00:31:24,349 --> 00:31:27,184
I-- I just--
478
00:31:27,186 --> 00:31:29,186
I never thought
this would happen to me.
479
00:31:29,188 --> 00:31:32,322
- I don't know what to do.
- Okay, baby. Here. Come here.
480
00:31:32,324 --> 00:31:34,324
Shh, shh.
Don't worry, okay?
481
00:31:34,326 --> 00:31:37,227
A lot of people would think this is the
world's greatest anniversary present.
482
00:31:38,529 --> 00:31:41,064
Really?
What do you think?
483
00:31:41,066 --> 00:31:44,101
I tell you what I think.
I think that our baby would be...
484
00:31:44,103 --> 00:31:48,171
the cutest little thing that ever walked around in poo-poo pants.
485
00:31:48,173 --> 00:31:51,108
You wouldn't be scared?
486
00:31:51,110 --> 00:31:55,245
Of what? Of doing the most
natural thing in the world?
487
00:31:55,247 --> 00:32:00,183
Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant little genius into the world?
No.
488
00:32:00,185 --> 00:32:02,219
No, I won't
be scared at all.
489
00:32:02,221 --> 00:32:05,289
What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius?
What if it was an ugly little troll?
490
00:32:06,391 --> 00:32:08,692
Well, I guess we just
have to pray to God...
491
00:32:08,694 --> 00:32:11,395
that the baby
takes after me.
492
00:32:14,033 --> 00:32:17,167
We could name it Ned, right?
After my grandfather?
493
00:32:17,169 --> 00:32:19,469
What if it's a little girl?
"Ned-ina," we'd call it.
494
00:32:19,471 --> 00:32:21,405
Now this one
needs to be changed.
495
00:32:21,407 --> 00:32:24,174
I want you to practice and show me
what a good mama you're going to be.
496
00:32:26,477 --> 00:32:30,147
God, my stomach is huge.
497
00:32:30,149 --> 00:32:35,252
I look like Buddha. It hasn't changed.
You're the same as you've always been.
498
00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:37,955
So I've always had
a Buddha gut?
499
00:32:37,957 --> 00:32:39,957
Will you calm down?
You've been pregnant a month.
500
00:32:39,959 --> 00:32:42,159
The baby's the size
of a sea monkey.
501
00:32:42,161 --> 00:32:44,194
Pretty soon you'll look like
you swallowed a Volkswagen.
502
00:32:44,196 --> 00:32:46,430
Yeah, well, you have
an abnormally large head.
503
00:32:46,432 --> 00:32:49,266
Come on, horse face.
Get over here.
504
00:32:49,268 --> 00:32:51,335
Come on.
505
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:57,007
Let's see
what we got here.
506
00:32:57,009 --> 00:32:59,343
Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah.
507
00:32:59,345 --> 00:33:01,645
Ned says he wants
a womb with a view.
508
00:33:01,647 --> 00:33:03,647
Ned's not very funny.
509
00:33:03,649 --> 00:33:06,683
Ned's just a fetus.
We should cut Ned a little slack.
510
00:33:09,620 --> 00:33:12,422
And I think you're
more beautiful than ever.
511
00:33:29,140 --> 00:33:31,708
♪ Forget what you don't have
512
00:33:31,710 --> 00:33:35,245
Kate?
♪ Forget that you don't
513
00:33:35,247 --> 00:33:37,347
Kate?
514
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:40,484
♪ Just forget it
515
00:33:40,486 --> 00:33:43,186
Kate?
516
00:33:43,188 --> 00:33:46,323
♪ Forget that you're afraid
Kate?
517
00:33:46,325 --> 00:33:49,326
♪ Forget that you are
518
00:33:49,328 --> 00:33:51,628
Kate?
519
00:33:51,630 --> 00:33:54,498
You okay, baby?
♪ In a panic
520
00:33:57,602 --> 00:34:00,170
You okay?
♪ Forget that you're alone
521
00:34:00,172 --> 00:34:04,207
What's wrong, baby?
What's wrong? ♪ Everyone's alone
522
00:34:04,209 --> 00:34:07,044
Uh, uh--
523
00:34:07,046 --> 00:34:09,279
I'm bleeding.
Oh, God.
524
00:34:09,281 --> 00:34:12,482
No, no, something's wrong.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
525
00:34:12,484 --> 00:34:15,719
Something's wrong. Okay, okay, okay.
We're gonna look at it.
526
00:34:15,721 --> 00:34:19,556
We're gonna go.
Where's your robe, baby?
527
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,558
Where's your robe?
I don't know.
528
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:23,527
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
529
00:34:23,529 --> 00:34:26,329
♪ Don't worry
It's all right ♪
530
00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:33,804
♪ We're all in the dark
lookin' for the light ♪
531
00:34:33,806 --> 00:34:36,540
♪ The light
532
00:34:36,542 --> 00:34:40,844
♪ Don't worry
533
00:34:43,181 --> 00:34:46,583
♪ Forget that you can love
534
00:34:46,585 --> 00:34:49,519
♪ Forget that you can
535
00:34:51,322 --> 00:34:54,091
♪ Just forget it
536
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:58,862
You think it's possible to love
the same person forever?
537
00:34:58,864 --> 00:35:01,164
Sure. Don't you?
538
00:35:01,166 --> 00:35:05,435
I don't know.
I haven't seen a relationship that didn't end in one way or another.
539
00:35:05,437 --> 00:35:08,505
What about your parents?
They've been together 35 years.
540
00:35:08,507 --> 00:35:10,507
Yeah, they've lived in the same house for that long.
541
00:35:10,509 --> 00:35:13,610
I don't think they've said "I love you" for at least 20 of those years.
542
00:35:13,612 --> 00:35:17,547
Maybe that's human nature.
You spend that much time around a person,
543
00:35:17,549 --> 00:35:19,683
saying "I love you"
is probably just like saying,
544
00:35:19,685 --> 00:35:22,319
you know,
"cheese sandwich."
545
00:35:22,321 --> 00:35:25,355
God, I hope not.
546
00:35:26,357 --> 00:35:29,259
Katie?
Hmm?
547
00:35:29,261 --> 00:35:32,362
I cheese sandwich you.
548
00:35:32,364 --> 00:35:34,564
I cheese sandwich you,
too.
549
00:35:47,778 --> 00:35:51,515
The longer you're with the same person,
the more annoying they'll become.
550
00:35:51,517 --> 00:35:55,652
You'll become annoying too;
so if you want everything to be perfect all the time,
551
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:58,455
don't bother
having a relationship.
552
00:35:58,457 --> 00:36:01,525
Did you see that little old lady?
Yeah.
553
00:36:01,527 --> 00:36:04,194
Didn't she look sad and lonely?
Nah, she was hunched over.
554
00:36:04,196 --> 00:36:06,730
I didn't get a good look.
I need some shoes.
555
00:36:06,732 --> 00:36:09,332
Her eyes were so hollow.
556
00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:12,302
She's old. All old people have hollow eyes.
Especially old women.
557
00:36:12,304 --> 00:36:14,337
What?
Could we go in here?
558
00:36:14,339 --> 00:36:17,574
Wait. What do you mean,
"especially old women"?
559
00:36:17,576 --> 00:36:21,478
It's a fact. Women don't age as well as men.
How could you say that?
560
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,847
How many 50-year old women do you see with 20-year old guys?
561
00:36:23,849 --> 00:36:27,484
That's a double standard.
That's got nothing to do with facts.
562
00:36:27,486 --> 00:36:29,786
Who looks better,
Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?
563
00:36:29,788 --> 00:36:32,222
Oh!
564
00:36:32,224 --> 00:36:35,425
It's just nature. Men have thicker skin.
That's why women wrinkle more.
565
00:36:35,427 --> 00:36:37,427
Shut up!
I know what this is about.
566
00:36:37,429 --> 00:36:39,429
You're a woman.
You're afraid of becoming obsolete.
567
00:36:39,431 --> 00:36:41,598
You're getting to an age where men are starting to notice younger girls.
568
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,201
It's freaking you out.
569
00:36:44,203 --> 00:36:46,203
Yeah?
Well, you're going bald.
570
00:36:48,639 --> 00:36:51,975
I have the keys!
Where are you going?
571
00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:04,588
I got one.
What do you have?
572
00:37:04,590 --> 00:37:07,624
Just this one about
topless female ninjas.
573
00:37:07,626 --> 00:37:10,927
Oh. Well, let's just get one, okay?
'Cause we'll forget to return them,
574
00:37:10,929 --> 00:37:13,463
and it'll be like
$800 for two movies.
575
00:37:13,465 --> 00:37:15,465
And, uh, which one
do yowant to get?
576
00:37:15,467 --> 00:37:19,703
Nosferatu.
You've seen it 50 times and every time you get depressed.
577
00:37:19,705 --> 00:37:23,306
I like being depressed.
It makes me feel deep and introspective.
578
00:37:23,308 --> 00:37:26,810
You wanna just hear what this is about?
Maybe you might like it.
579
00:37:26,812 --> 00:37:29,913
"Nasty, naked ninjettes infiltrate the mob and take over Little Italy...
580
00:37:29,915 --> 00:37:33,650
'nunchaking' their way
to mafia don Guido Mantucci."
581
00:37:33,652 --> 00:37:38,488
Wow, that sounds incredible.
Why do you have to come from that place?
582
00:37:38,490 --> 00:37:42,559
You think I want to go home and snuggle and read subtitles...
583
00:37:42,561 --> 00:37:44,761
as the guy sucks blood
out of somebody's neck.
584
00:37:44,763 --> 00:37:47,430
Can't we ever go to a goddamn video
store without getting into an argument?
585
00:37:47,432 --> 00:37:50,934
Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies.
I don't have shitty taste.
586
00:37:50,936 --> 00:37:54,704
How can you not appreciate German expressionism?
I love German expressionism.
587
00:37:54,706 --> 00:37:57,607
What I don't like is what you turn into when you watch that damn movie.
588
00:37:57,609 --> 00:37:59,609
You start getting all fixated on death, like,
"I'm gonna die,"
589
00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:02,345
you're gonna die,
the cat's gonna die." Fuck. Fine, fine.
590
00:38:02,347 --> 00:38:05,415
You watch your stupid titty movie,
I'll watch my death movie.
591
00:38:05,417 --> 00:38:08,285
You return yours.
I'll return mine. Fine.
592
00:38:11,422 --> 00:38:14,424
It's her birthday.
One of these should be free.
593
00:38:16,694 --> 00:38:21,431
Romance.
The most important part of keeping a good relationship going.
594
00:38:21,433 --> 00:38:26,303
Be sure to treasure each one of those
intimate moments you share together in bed.
595
00:38:26,305 --> 00:38:29,806
We haven't had sex in a while.
Hmm?
596
00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:32,942
We haven't had sex in, like,
three weeks. Mm-hmm.
597
00:38:32,944 --> 00:38:35,712
You not even
listening to me.
598
00:38:35,714 --> 00:38:40,684
No, I wasn't. I said we haven't had sex in, like,
three weeks.
599
00:38:40,686 --> 00:38:43,620
Well, maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed.
600
00:38:45,923 --> 00:38:48,825
What's the real reason?
601
00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:51,728
I don't know.
602
00:38:51,730 --> 00:38:54,764
Do you want to
have sex right now?
603
00:38:54,766 --> 00:38:57,067
No.
No, do you?
604
00:38:57,069 --> 00:39:00,670
Nah.
605
00:39:00,672 --> 00:39:03,873
Is there something wrong with us?
I don't know.
606
00:39:05,076 --> 00:39:07,544
Maybe we should
force ourselves.
607
00:39:07,546 --> 00:39:09,546
What, like mutual rape?
608
00:39:09,548 --> 00:39:12,782
Yeah, it might turn us on.
Hmm.
609
00:39:23,694 --> 00:39:26,129
I'm tired.
Yeah, me too.
610
00:39:33,738 --> 00:39:37,407
Love you.
Love you too.
611
00:39:41,046 --> 00:39:43,880
Don't do that.
You know how much that bugs me.
612
00:39:49,521 --> 00:39:51,921
I said, don't!
613
00:39:57,095 --> 00:40:00,530
Swear to God, if you do that one more time,
I-I'm gonna scream.
614
00:40:12,777 --> 00:40:15,478
I think it's over.
615
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,714
What's over?
616
00:40:17,716 --> 00:40:20,583
Us. I think we're done.
617
00:40:20,585 --> 00:40:22,786
Wh-What are you saying?
618
00:40:22,788 --> 00:40:25,021
I think I need to break up.
619
00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:31,828
What did you just say?
I said I think we should break up.
620
00:40:31,830 --> 00:40:35,031
No, no, no, no, no. No.
You said you need to break up.
621
00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:40,570
I mean, saying we should break up,
that implies that it's somewhat mutual.
622
00:40:40,572 --> 00:40:42,906
If yoneed to break up,
that means you're ending it.
623
00:40:42,908 --> 00:40:47,811
Are you ending it?
I don't know. Yeah. I guess so.
624
00:40:48,879 --> 00:40:50,880
Have you met someone else?
Some art groupie?
625
00:40:50,882 --> 00:40:53,817
No, no!
626
00:40:53,819 --> 00:40:55,952
No, nothing like that.
It's just I feel like...
627
00:40:55,954 --> 00:40:57,921
we're just turning into
this old married couple.
628
00:40:57,923 --> 00:41:01,825
Oh, God.
It's the 13 guy thing, isn't it?
629
00:41:01,827 --> 00:41:03,860
No! Just shut up.
No, no, that's what it is!
630
00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:06,763
No, you've been obsessed with my past since our first date.
631
00:41:06,765 --> 00:41:09,666
Now you want to start racking 'em up,
don't you? Could you shut up?
632
00:41:09,668 --> 00:41:12,836
It's not the 13 guys, okay?
I'm over that. I dealt with that.
633
00:41:12,838 --> 00:41:15,672
It's a non-issue,
I promise you.
634
00:41:15,674 --> 00:41:18,074
Well, then, why?
Why now?
635
00:41:18,076 --> 00:41:21,478
I don't know.
I've never been single.
636
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,614
You know?
I've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another,
637
00:41:24,616 --> 00:41:27,183
and, uh,
never been alone.
638
00:41:27,185 --> 00:41:29,252
Do you realize
what you're saying?
639
00:41:29,254 --> 00:41:32,889
Do you realize what this means?
Wh-What does this mean?
640
00:41:33,891 --> 00:41:35,892
It means, this is it.
The end.
641
00:41:35,894 --> 00:41:38,895
And once it's over,
it's over.
642
00:41:38,897 --> 00:41:40,864
Yeah, I guess so,
but--
643
00:41:40,866 --> 00:41:44,000
But I mean, it's not like
we won't still be friends.
644
00:41:44,002 --> 00:41:46,870
You know?
Who said anything about being friends?
645
00:41:46,872 --> 00:41:49,539
Come on, we love each other.
I don't want to lose you from my life.
646
00:41:49,541 --> 00:41:52,008
I think you should know
that when you get to number 13,
647
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,711
I won't be sitting here waiting for you, okay?
Will you give that up?
648
00:41:54,713 --> 00:41:57,647
It's not about that, okay?
This thing isn't working for either of us.
649
00:41:57,649 --> 00:42:00,583
- You're not happy, are you?
- No, I'm not happy.
650
00:42:00,585 --> 00:42:03,286
So neither of us are happy. You know what?
You're right. I'm miserable.
651
00:42:03,288 --> 00:42:06,289
I've been in absolute fucking hell for a long time now.
Will you stop?
652
00:42:06,291 --> 00:42:09,826
- You're packing my laundry now.
- Breaking up would be the best thing in the world for me.
653
00:42:11,862 --> 00:42:14,163
You know what?
654
00:42:14,165 --> 00:42:17,767
I feel good!
No. I feel great.
655
00:42:17,769 --> 00:42:22,038
- Come back to bed.
- It's like a five million pound weight has been lifted.
656
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,741
Can't this wait?
I can breathe.
657
00:42:24,743 --> 00:42:27,777
I-I can think.
Like, all of a sudden, life is clear.
658
00:42:27,779 --> 00:42:30,747
It's amazing!
I am so happy!
659
00:42:31,882 --> 00:42:34,617
When I look back at the love
I had with Adam,
660
00:42:34,619 --> 00:42:37,954
I see a pathetic, potted plant
that nobody bothered to water.
661
00:42:37,956 --> 00:42:43,626
It started out green and lush,
and eventually became a dried-up little brown stick.
662
00:42:50,902 --> 00:42:53,136
Breaking up is like dying.
663
00:42:53,138 --> 00:42:56,773
Slowly,
with nobody around.
664
00:42:56,775 --> 00:42:59,275
That's why it's so important
during that dark period...
665
00:42:59,277 --> 00:43:02,245
to keep yourself busy doing the things that don't depress you.
666
00:43:25,603 --> 00:43:28,004
Fuck me!
Jesus Chr--
667
00:43:28,006 --> 00:43:30,273
Kate.
I can't believe it!
668
00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,976
Our relationship hasn't even
started decomposing yet.
669
00:43:32,978 --> 00:43:36,112
Who's this?
This is my friend, uh, Kate.
670
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:39,182
Kate, this is my friend...
Peaches.
671
00:43:39,184 --> 00:43:43,219
This must be the friend
that you just broke up with.
672
00:43:43,221 --> 00:43:46,322
"This must be the friend
that you just started fucking."
673
00:43:46,324 --> 00:43:48,324
Yeah.
674
00:43:52,696 --> 00:43:55,298
Hey, Kate!
675
00:43:56,867 --> 00:44:00,169
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, okay?
"Peaches"? Oh, my God.
676
00:44:00,171 --> 00:44:02,672
What the fuck is
that thing on your face?
677
00:44:02,674 --> 00:44:05,808
Will you just keep your voice down?
What are you doing here?
678
00:44:05,810 --> 00:44:08,177
This is my movie.
You came to my favorite movie...
679
00:44:08,179 --> 00:44:10,980
to make out with someone called Peaches-- How dare you?
680
00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:14,150
I want to call you.
Can I call you? No! No. No.
681
00:44:14,152 --> 00:44:16,986
I'm gonna get over you.
And when I do, I'll call you.
682
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:19,989
Honey,
that could take days!
683
00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:23,192
Okay, let's see here.
684
00:44:23,194 --> 00:44:27,030
No, no.
Ooh. That's hideous.
685
00:44:27,032 --> 00:44:29,032
Let's see--
Oh! Here you go.
686
00:44:29,034 --> 00:44:31,034
Kate.
How about this? No.
687
00:44:31,036 --> 00:44:33,369
That makes me look like
a drug-addicted hooker.
688
00:44:33,371 --> 00:44:36,973
I want to look great.
Like a drug-addicted model.
689
00:44:36,975 --> 00:44:40,009
I don't see what the big deal is.
It's only Sam's birthday party.
690
00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,045
Adam's gonna be there.
691
00:44:42,047 --> 00:44:44,814
Oh, Kate. Aren't you over him yet?
Of course I am.
692
00:44:44,816 --> 00:44:46,816
I just want him to die
a thousand deaths...
693
00:44:46,818 --> 00:44:49,118
when he sees me with
Jerome Davis tonight.
694
00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:52,021
Jerome Davis?
Wait a minute.
695
00:44:52,023 --> 00:44:55,925
The perverted basketball player you
dated who was obsessed with your ass?
696
00:44:55,927 --> 00:44:57,927
He was?
697
00:44:57,929 --> 00:45:01,130
Kate, you've got a great ass.
Now, you a big woman,
698
00:45:01,132 --> 00:45:04,967
but your ass, now,
is small and compact to fit your size.
699
00:45:04,969 --> 00:45:09,772
And yet,
if we would take your ass and put it on your short little friend over here,
700
00:45:09,774 --> 00:45:11,874
ah, it'd be
fucking huge.
701
00:45:11,876 --> 00:45:14,210
That's it, I'm gone.
702
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:22,785
Oh, God.
703
00:45:32,362 --> 00:45:36,499
♪ She comes to me
704
00:45:36,501 --> 00:45:38,935
♪ With her mind
705
00:45:38,937 --> 00:45:42,038
♪ On her sleeve
706
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:46,109
♪ He tries to plead
707
00:45:46,111 --> 00:45:48,811
♪ With his heart
708
00:45:48,813 --> 00:45:51,781
♪ That don't beat
709
00:45:51,783 --> 00:45:56,152
♪ Don't bring me down
if you're ready for love ♪
710
00:45:56,154 --> 00:46:00,423
♪ Don't you know that
we can save this life ♪
711
00:46:02,059 --> 00:46:05,194
♪ No one best yet
to rock you to sleep ♪
712
00:46:05,196 --> 00:46:10,399
♪ I'll meet you there
when you sigh my name ♪
713
00:46:10,401 --> 00:46:14,170
♪
714
00:46:14,172 --> 00:46:17,140
♪ Rock you to sleep
715
00:46:18,475 --> 00:46:20,443
♪ Rock you to sleep
716
00:46:22,246 --> 00:46:25,314
♪ Rock you to sleep
717
00:46:29,153 --> 00:46:31,354
Hey!
718
00:46:31,356 --> 00:46:34,190
- I thought it was you. Hey.
- Hey!
719
00:46:34,192 --> 00:46:37,393
- Hi.
- Great. I didn't expect to see you here.
720
00:46:37,395 --> 00:46:39,929
I didn't even know that Sam invited you.
I feel silly.
721
00:46:39,931 --> 00:46:41,931
Uh, no.
Mary invited me.
722
00:46:41,933 --> 00:46:44,200
Mary. 'Cause you know Mary,
of course.
723
00:46:44,202 --> 00:46:46,469
I don't know what I was thinking.
That's great. That's so good--
724
00:46:46,471 --> 00:46:48,871
It's nice to see ya.
Right.
725
00:46:48,873 --> 00:46:52,475
It's good, yeah. Uh, I haven't seen you in a while.
I've missed you.
726
00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:55,144
Uh, yeah.
It's been a long time, huh?
727
00:46:55,146 --> 00:46:57,513
Yup. Yup, yup.
728
00:46:59,316 --> 00:47:01,517
I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Adam.
Oh, uh-- Sorry.
729
00:47:01,519 --> 00:47:03,886
Ad? Jerome.
730
00:47:03,888 --> 00:47:06,556
It's not "Ad," it's Adam.
I didn't say, "Whazzup, Jer?"
731
00:47:06,558 --> 00:47:09,425
Hey! Hey. Hey. Why don't I, uh,
give you a call tomorrow?
732
00:47:09,427 --> 00:47:12,028
Don't make this a weird thing.
Hey.
733
00:47:12,030 --> 00:47:14,096
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Give me a call tomorrow.
734
00:47:14,098 --> 00:47:16,332
You can tell me all about your new girlfriend.
Or page me,
735
00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:18,334
'cause my shit's blowing up now,
'cause I got-- Oh, okay. Okay.
736
00:47:18,336 --> 00:47:20,203
Yeah. Why don't you call me?
Okay, I will.
737
00:47:20,205 --> 00:47:23,272
Just call me up.
I'm running around a lot-- I'll call you tomorrow.
738
00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:25,341
Star 82 so I know it's you,
'cause I'm screening-- You know.
739
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:27,343
Okay.
I'll get it.
740
00:47:34,852 --> 00:47:38,855
Hey!
Hey.
741
00:47:40,859 --> 00:47:42,925
That was really weird last night.
I know.
742
00:47:42,927 --> 00:47:44,927
That's not cool.
Okay? No.
743
00:47:46,363 --> 00:47:48,531
So you're in love?
I think I should be asking you that question.
744
00:47:48,533 --> 00:47:52,268
Why?
Because you couldn't keep your tongue out of Lolita's mouth last night.
745
00:47:52,270 --> 00:47:56,472
Don't tell me about tongues.
Michael Jordan was gonna suck the tonsils out of your throat.
746
00:47:56,474 --> 00:47:58,507
Where did you find
that guy, anyway?
747
00:47:58,509 --> 00:48:00,977
Let's just not get into
one of these things, okay?
748
00:48:00,979 --> 00:48:03,379
You're the one that's bringing it up.
I'm ready to be mature.
749
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:06,082
Me too. I can do it.
Absolutely. Okay?
750
00:48:06,084 --> 00:48:08,384
But how could you go out
with that freak of nature?
751
00:48:08,386 --> 00:48:10,519
- How could you go out with such a bimbo?
- Savannah is not a bimbo.
752
00:48:10,521 --> 00:48:13,890
She happens to play the harp.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
753
00:48:13,892 --> 00:48:16,025
A bimbo savant.
At least I'm not having...
754
00:48:16,027 --> 00:48:18,227
a fucking hot tub party
with Dennis Rodman.
755
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:21,230
I can't believe you're jealous.
I'm not jealous. Don't--
756
00:48:21,232 --> 00:48:23,332
You are! Stop, okay?
I don't like her.
757
00:48:23,334 --> 00:48:26,135
I don't love her.
I'm probably not going to see that girl again.
758
00:48:26,137 --> 00:48:29,538
Adam! Adam.
Hey.
759
00:48:29,540 --> 00:48:32,375
- Hi!
- Hi, I was waiting for you across the street.
760
00:48:32,377 --> 00:48:35,044
Coffee shop. It's uh, noon.
Right? We're supposed to be--
761
00:48:35,046 --> 00:48:37,213
Well, my heart wasn't in it
early, so, um,
762
00:48:37,215 --> 00:48:39,215
I bought myself some new underwear.
O-Kay.
763
00:48:40,350 --> 00:48:42,952
- I'm Savannah.
- Kate.
764
00:48:42,954 --> 00:48:46,222
- I know. Adam told me all about you last night.
- Really?
765
00:48:46,224 --> 00:48:50,459
Um, Savannah,
why don't you go back to the coffee shop and wait for me?
766
00:48:50,461 --> 00:48:54,130
I'll be there at noon.
And get me a mochaccino. Oh. No problem.
767
00:48:54,132 --> 00:48:56,699
No problem. I'll let you two catch up.
Nice meeting you, Cynthia.
768
00:48:56,701 --> 00:49:00,436
- It's Kate.
- Oh. I meant Kate.
769
00:49:00,438 --> 00:49:03,272
Okay. Okay.
Bye-bye.
770
00:49:10,981 --> 00:49:12,982
Mm, okay.
Okay.
771
00:49:12,984 --> 00:49:15,584
Bye-bye.
Noon. Bye-bye.
772
00:49:17,421 --> 00:49:19,422
That didn't feel good.
That felt really bad.
773
00:49:19,424 --> 00:49:22,291
- I know. I'm sorry.
- No, no. Don't be.
774
00:49:22,293 --> 00:49:24,460
I mean, it's the kind of thing
we have to get used to.
775
00:49:24,462 --> 00:49:26,696
I have to go and throw up now.
Don't, uh, Kate.
776
00:49:26,698 --> 00:49:31,434
I miss you so much. All right?
Y-You're my best friend.
777
00:49:33,203 --> 00:49:36,205
You're the only one I feel normal around.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
778
00:49:36,207 --> 00:49:40,209
Hopefully, over time,
we'll still-- This is all gonna work out.
779
00:49:40,211 --> 00:49:42,645
Yes, yes, yes, yes,
I promise it will.
780
00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:45,414
We just have to let go of those old,
you know, feelings we had.
781
00:49:47,217 --> 00:49:49,218
Right.
Okay?
782
00:49:55,459 --> 00:49:59,161
So, this Jerome guy. Did he have,
like-- Was he just, like, huge?
783
00:50:01,298 --> 00:50:04,000
I just wanted to know, like as a friend.
Is that bad for a friend?
784
00:50:04,002 --> 00:50:06,602
Was it like,
"Oh, a nice surprise" big?
785
00:50:06,604 --> 00:50:09,372
Or was it like,
"You better just take me home now" big?
786
00:50:11,676 --> 00:50:14,543
Was it like,
"I'm in over my head" big?
787
00:50:25,389 --> 00:50:27,723
As you move on
in your search for love,
788
00:50:27,725 --> 00:50:30,760
sex is the fastest way
to erase the past.
789
00:50:54,084 --> 00:50:58,220
Promise you'll never leave me.
I promise.
790
00:51:12,469 --> 00:51:15,671
What are you doing?
791
00:51:15,673 --> 00:51:17,673
What are you doing?
792
00:51:24,448 --> 00:51:28,350
Great. My only sex I've had in months,
and it's with you.
793
00:51:40,330 --> 00:51:44,166
Being single again
may be difficult,
794
00:51:44,168 --> 00:51:46,202
but it can
also be empowering.
795
00:51:46,204 --> 00:51:49,438
After my breakup,
I got out of the house as often as I could,
796
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,608
going to places that took
my mind off my loneliness.
797
00:51:52,610 --> 00:51:54,610
Excuse me.
798
00:51:54,612 --> 00:51:58,714
I'm looking for sort of a-- a joke gift for a friend of mine's birthday.
799
00:51:58,716 --> 00:52:01,183
What's the kinkiest stuff
you have?
800
00:52:01,185 --> 00:52:03,886
Depends. You mean,
kinky up-the-butt kind of kinky,
801
00:52:03,888 --> 00:52:05,888
or just white-bread kinky?
802
00:52:05,890 --> 00:52:08,824
Just white-bread kinky,
please.
803
00:52:08,826 --> 00:52:11,460
Dildo aisle.
Thank you.
804
00:52:28,845 --> 00:52:32,148
Uh, it's a butt plug.
805
00:52:32,150 --> 00:52:35,351
Some guys like to...
put it up their butts.
806
00:52:36,553 --> 00:52:38,554
Great, thanks.
807
00:52:45,830 --> 00:52:50,666
So, um,
what's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?
808
00:52:50,668 --> 00:52:53,569
I'm here, uh, to buy
a joke gift for a friend.
809
00:52:53,571 --> 00:52:57,173
Okay? I'm not here to talk to, uh,
guys in trench coats.
810
00:52:57,175 --> 00:52:59,842
Why are you so nervous?
811
00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,844
Are you attracted to me?
812
00:53:01,846 --> 00:53:04,780
Oh, God.
That is so arrogant.
813
00:53:04,782 --> 00:53:07,316
I-I just happen to be
a little uncomfortable,
814
00:53:07,318 --> 00:53:10,653
because I'm picking up
plastic dicks with some guy--
815
00:53:13,256 --> 00:53:15,891
Wait a minute.
Don't I know you?
816
00:53:17,661 --> 00:53:20,696
Could be.
Oh, God!
817
00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:24,233
Aren't you that guy, uh--
818
00:53:24,235 --> 00:53:26,669
Aren't you in movies with, like,
topless ninja girls?
819
00:53:26,671 --> 00:53:30,839
Yeah. Yeah, I've done a lot since then.
That was some of my earlier stuff.
820
00:53:30,841 --> 00:53:34,476
I'm, uh, I'm--
Ooh.
821
00:53:34,478 --> 00:53:36,478
I'm Joey Santino.
822
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:41,283
I know.
My ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies.
823
00:53:41,285 --> 00:53:45,354
Forced you to?
Yeah, well, he loves you.
824
00:53:45,356 --> 00:53:47,356
Yeah?
Yes.
825
00:53:47,358 --> 00:53:50,859
Well, not after we fall in love,
he won't.
826
00:53:50,861 --> 00:53:52,995
Oh, no.
I don't date actors.
827
00:54:00,537 --> 00:54:04,273
♪ All over you
All over me ♪
828
00:54:04,275 --> 00:54:08,010
♪ The sun, the fields
the sky ♪
829
00:54:08,012 --> 00:54:11,680
♪ I've often tried
to hold the sea ♪
830
00:54:11,682 --> 00:54:14,583
♪ The sun, the fields
the tide ♪
831
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:18,487
♪ Baby now
832
00:54:18,489 --> 00:54:22,358
♪ Lay me down
833
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:25,728
♪ Baby now, baby now
834
00:54:25,730 --> 00:54:28,330
♪ Lay me down, lay me down
835
00:54:29,332 --> 00:54:31,700
Joey wasn't very bright,
836
00:54:31,702 --> 00:54:33,636
but I loved his innocence.
837
00:54:33,638 --> 00:54:35,638
I was going through
my nonjudgmental phase,
838
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:38,974
and I didn't want to push people away
for saying the occasional stupid thing.
839
00:54:38,976 --> 00:54:43,646
I love you.
We've only known each other for 14 hours.
840
00:54:43,648 --> 00:54:45,714
I know. I loved you
in the first hour,
841
00:54:45,716 --> 00:54:48,350
but I waited 13 more
to tell you.
842
00:54:48,352 --> 00:54:52,655
No, you just think you're in love with me,
because we've been having sex nonstop.
843
00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:57,293
How can you be
so cynical?
844
00:54:57,295 --> 00:54:59,995
I've never felt this way
in my entire life.
845
00:54:59,997 --> 00:55:03,499
You're the most wonderful thing
that's ever happened to me.
846
00:55:03,501 --> 00:55:05,834
You see, this is why
I don't date actors.
847
00:55:05,836 --> 00:55:07,836
And you don't have
to say you love me back.
848
00:55:07,838 --> 00:55:12,508
I just want you
to know how I feel.
849
00:55:12,510 --> 00:55:15,711
That's all.
Okay.
850
00:55:15,713 --> 00:55:19,682
Unless you want to. I mean,
I won't stop you from saying...
851
00:55:19,684 --> 00:55:22,718
that you love me
if you want to.
852
00:55:23,787 --> 00:55:25,721
Okay.
853
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:38,400
I like you
a lot, though.
854
00:55:39,402 --> 00:55:42,104
Yeah?
855
00:55:42,106 --> 00:55:45,007
Okay.
856
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:53,015
- Hello.
- Hey, it's me.
857
00:55:53,017 --> 00:55:55,017
Oh, hey, Adam.
What's up?
858
00:55:55,019 --> 00:55:57,353
Nothin' much.
Haven't seen you in a couple weeks.
859
00:55:57,355 --> 00:55:59,355
Wanna grab some dinner
tomorrow night?
860
00:55:59,357 --> 00:56:02,091
Oh, that's so sweet,
but I can't. I'm going out.
861
00:56:02,093 --> 00:56:05,394
Oh. What about Friday?
Wanna see a movie on Friday?
862
00:56:05,396 --> 00:56:07,563
No, I can't.
I'm going to Malibu for the weekend.
863
00:56:07,565 --> 00:56:09,698
Malibu.
What's in Malibu?
864
00:56:09,700 --> 00:56:13,936
A big beach. Oh, yes,
I saw that in the Thomas Guide once.
865
00:56:13,938 --> 00:56:17,973
Who ya goin' with? Just some guy.
You don't know him.
866
00:56:17,975 --> 00:56:21,410
He's got a house out there.
Oh, you like him?
867
00:56:21,412 --> 00:56:23,145
What's with
all the questions?
868
00:56:23,147 --> 00:56:25,848
No reason.
I just wanna know if you like this rich Malibu guy.
869
00:56:25,850 --> 00:56:27,950
Yeah, I like him.
870
00:56:29,586 --> 00:56:31,587
Do you like him a lot?
871
00:56:31,589 --> 00:56:33,589
Yeah, he's nice.
872
00:56:35,892 --> 00:56:38,694
Hello?
Do you love him?
873
00:56:38,696 --> 00:56:40,729
I think so, yeah.
874
00:56:40,731 --> 00:56:44,733
I mean, we've been spending almost every
day together for the last couple weeks.
875
00:56:44,735 --> 00:56:48,137
That's great. That's great for you.
You know what? I gotta run.
876
00:56:48,139 --> 00:56:51,874
'Cause I got a date with-- with an actress,
you know.
877
00:56:51,876 --> 00:56:54,576
I'll call you when I get back.
We'll have lunch or something.
878
00:56:54,578 --> 00:56:57,179
Sure. Great.
879
00:57:18,034 --> 00:57:20,035
I can't take it.
I can't-- What?
880
00:57:20,037 --> 00:57:21,970
I can't-- I cannot--
I can't take it.
881
00:57:21,972 --> 00:57:23,972
I can't-- I can't take it.
I can't. Just get in here.
882
00:57:23,974 --> 00:57:27,042
I just-- I thought-- You know,
I thought I was over you.
883
00:57:27,044 --> 00:57:29,878
I thought I was done.
I thought-- Oh, God, this is horrible!
884
00:57:29,880 --> 00:57:32,181
Horrible. Oh, God.
Don't go to Malibu.
885
00:57:32,183 --> 00:57:35,784
Please, don't go to Malibu.
Are you out of your mind? This is a joke, right?
886
00:57:35,786 --> 00:57:37,786
This is not a joke.
887
00:57:37,788 --> 00:57:39,788
This is-- This is not.
What's wrong with you?
888
00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:41,790
You've been dating women
nonstop since we broke up,
889
00:57:41,792 --> 00:57:43,826
and this is the first guy
I've even gotten close to.
890
00:57:43,828 --> 00:57:46,628
I know. I was wrong.
What can I say? I was wrong.
891
00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:48,630
I was silly. I was stupid.
I was wrong.
892
00:57:48,632 --> 00:57:50,632
I didn't know how I felt
about you until right now.
893
00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:53,235
- What happened to the date with the actress?
- It's canceled. It's over.
894
00:57:53,237 --> 00:57:55,504
God, you shouldn't have
because Joey's on his way.
895
00:57:55,506 --> 00:57:57,873
Joey?
His name is Joey.
896
00:57:57,875 --> 00:57:59,942
You're-- How could you
date a guy named Joey?
897
00:57:59,944 --> 00:58:02,678
Please, don't date him anymore.
Let's get back together again.
898
00:58:02,680 --> 00:58:04,813
I love you.
Let's have babies.
899
00:58:04,815 --> 00:58:06,982
Would you stop acting
like an insane person?
900
00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:08,917
Why don't you go home and relax or something?
I love you.
901
00:58:08,919 --> 00:58:14,089
- It's just some weird thing you're going through.
- Could you tell me one thing?
902
00:58:14,091 --> 00:58:16,725
- What?
- What's his last name?
903
00:58:16,727 --> 00:58:19,995
Just-- What-- Just tell me his last name.
904
00:58:19,997 --> 00:58:21,930
Um, Santino.
905
00:58:21,932 --> 00:58:25,701
Oh, Santino.
That's per-- That's like-- Joey?
906
00:58:28,204 --> 00:58:31,540
Not Joey Santino.
The actor?
907
00:58:31,542 --> 00:58:34,810
My-- The titty ninja--
You fucking hate him!
908
00:58:34,812 --> 00:58:37,980
Actually, he's really
a very good actor.
909
00:58:37,982 --> 00:58:40,048
I mean,
clearly you haven't seen any of his later work.
910
00:58:40,050 --> 00:58:42,618
What the fuck are you talking about?
His later work.
911
00:58:42,620 --> 00:58:45,220
Motherfucker!
You haven't seen-- Oh, my God!
912
00:58:45,222 --> 00:58:48,190
You're kidding me.
How could you-- He's--
913
00:58:48,192 --> 00:58:50,192
You-- How do you--
Adam, you have to go.
914
00:58:50,194 --> 00:58:52,194
You weren't supposed
to fall in love.
915
00:58:52,196 --> 00:58:55,998
Oh, quit being such a hypocrite.
A hyp-- I'm not a--
916
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,734
I'm a guy. I fuck.
I don't fall in love.
917
00:58:58,736 --> 00:59:01,904
Well, maybe you don't.
Oh, you think Mr. Italian,
918
00:59:01,906 --> 00:59:04,973
uh, fuckin', uh,
yeah, he loves you?
919
00:59:04,975 --> 00:59:07,009
I don't think so.
Whatever.
920
00:59:07,011 --> 00:59:09,778
You know what?
I'm fuckin' outta here.
921
00:59:09,780 --> 00:59:11,780
Fuckin' horseshit.
922
00:59:11,782 --> 00:59:13,782
Don't fucking call!
923
00:59:49,986 --> 00:59:53,655
Are you Miss Kate Wells?
Yeah.
924
00:59:53,657 --> 00:59:55,924
I have a message for you
from Adam Levy.
925
00:59:55,926 --> 00:59:59,595
♪ Even though
we're only pals ♪
926
00:59:59,597 --> 01:00:01,897
♪ Only pals
Only pals ♪
927
01:00:01,899 --> 01:00:06,868
♪ I don't like the other gals You're my baby ♪
928
01:00:06,870 --> 01:00:08,971
♪ Don't go out
with that dumb guy ♪
929
01:00:08,973 --> 01:00:12,107
♪ That dumb guy
That dumb guy ♪
930
01:00:12,109 --> 01:00:17,079
♪ If you do I'll start to cry You're my baby ♪
931
01:00:18,648 --> 01:00:20,649
Yeah!
932
01:00:20,651 --> 01:00:23,952
Now, Mr. Levy
would like you to have...
933
01:00:23,954 --> 01:00:27,856
an autographed picture
of himself.
934
01:00:27,858 --> 01:00:31,627
And this. Hold on.
It gets better.
935
01:00:31,629 --> 01:00:34,963
Cheese sandwich.
Thank you.
936
01:00:51,782 --> 01:00:53,782
Hello.
Did the little guy sing?
937
01:00:53,784 --> 01:00:57,019
- What do you think?
- You got my picture up?
938
01:00:57,021 --> 01:00:59,955
Adam.
Next to the boys?
939
01:00:59,957 --> 01:01:03,325
Yes, I got the sandwich,
and I got your picture.
940
01:01:03,327 --> 01:01:05,994
Can you just stop torturing me?
Come over.
941
01:01:05,996 --> 01:01:10,065
Get rid of him. We'll sport,
we'll spoon, we'll do it all.
942
01:01:10,067 --> 01:01:12,067
We'll lay around
like walruses all day.
943
01:01:12,069 --> 01:01:14,036
- Adam?
- What are you wearing?
944
01:01:14,038 --> 01:01:17,039
Oh!
945
01:01:22,712 --> 01:01:25,113
God, it's beautiful here.
946
01:01:32,055 --> 01:01:34,189
Are you talkin' to me?
947
01:01:37,794 --> 01:01:39,795
Are you talkin' to me?
948
01:01:41,097 --> 01:01:43,198
There's nobody else here.
Are you talkin' to me?
949
01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:48,804
Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
950
01:01:48,806 --> 01:01:51,073
Huh? De Niro!
951
01:01:51,075 --> 01:01:53,108
Right. De Niro.
He's the best.
952
01:01:53,110 --> 01:01:57,412
I swear I love him.
He's... De Niro.
953
01:01:57,414 --> 01:02:00,282
Yeah, I'm--
He's a good actor.
954
01:02:00,284 --> 01:02:04,186
Goo-- Good?
955
01:02:04,188 --> 01:02:06,888
Are you--
Good?
956
01:02:06,890 --> 01:02:09,057
I mean,
we're talkin' about Robert De Niro here.
957
01:02:09,059 --> 01:02:12,360
"Good."
I mean, come on.
958
01:02:12,362 --> 01:02:14,362
He's a-- He's a--
959
01:02:14,364 --> 01:02:16,364
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,
they're good.
960
01:02:16,366 --> 01:02:20,435
Asparagus is good.
De Niro--
961
01:02:20,437 --> 01:02:23,071
I mean, like,
Cape Fear.
962
01:02:25,942 --> 01:02:27,943
Oh, counselor.
963
01:02:27,945 --> 01:02:31,947
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
964
01:02:31,949 --> 01:02:36,218
See, I ain't no white trash piece of shit.
I'm better than you all.
965
01:02:36,220 --> 01:02:40,055
See, I can outlearn you.
I can outread you.
966
01:02:40,057 --> 01:02:45,026
I can outthink you,
and I can out-philosophize you,
967
01:02:45,028 --> 01:02:48,497
and I'm gonna outlast you.
968
01:02:48,499 --> 01:02:50,532
Huh? That's good. Right?
969
01:02:50,534 --> 01:02:56,204
And-- And Raging Bull,
which-- which is the greatest performance of all time.
970
01:02:56,206 --> 01:02:58,907
Don't get me down, Ryan.
971
01:02:58,909 --> 01:03:01,510
Don't get me down.
Hey.
972
01:03:01,512 --> 01:03:05,280
You all right? Huh?
I know the Heimlich.
973
01:03:07,283 --> 01:03:11,219
Why you tryin' to ruin my relationship?
Your nose is so cute.
974
01:03:11,221 --> 01:03:13,221
You never tried
to get me back before.
975
01:03:13,223 --> 01:03:15,223
What ego trip are you on?
Can I kiss it?
976
01:03:15,225 --> 01:03:17,225
What?
Your nose.
977
01:03:17,227 --> 01:03:20,262
Adam, stop screwing up my life!
I'm involved with somebody else!
978
01:03:20,264 --> 01:03:23,965
Marry me? Please.
Are you listening to me?
979
01:03:23,967 --> 01:03:25,967
Yeah, I'm lis--
I get it. Don't worry.
980
01:03:25,969 --> 01:03:28,203
I broke up with you
because I was inexperienced.
981
01:03:28,205 --> 01:03:31,173
You were the third
relationship I was in.
982
01:03:31,175 --> 01:03:33,375
How was I supposed to know that that was going to be the one?
Adam.
983
01:03:33,377 --> 01:03:36,545
I was number fourteen for you.
You were number three for me.
984
01:03:36,547 --> 01:03:39,281
You can't-- Marry me.
I'm sorry.
985
01:03:39,283 --> 01:03:42,284
I screwed up, all right?
I can't live with this kind of mistake in my life.
986
01:03:42,286 --> 01:03:44,219
Don't you see?
This is really bad timing.
987
01:03:44,221 --> 01:03:47,022
You can't just wait until I'm heavily involved with somebody else...
988
01:03:47,024 --> 01:03:50,125
to all of a sudden propose marriage or profess your love to me.
989
01:03:50,127 --> 01:03:52,394
I'll change. How does that sound?
We're gonna make up a contract.
990
01:03:52,396 --> 01:03:54,396
Everything you don't like about me,
I'm gonna change.
991
01:03:54,398 --> 01:03:56,865
We're gonna make--
Death penalty.
992
01:03:56,867 --> 01:03:58,867
You're against it. I'm for it.
I'm against it now.
993
01:03:58,869 --> 01:04:01,069
We're gonna sing "Kumbaya."
We're gonna do candlelight vigils at the prison.
994
01:04:01,071 --> 01:04:04,306
I don't want you to change.
You're right. I'm not gonna change.
995
01:04:04,308 --> 01:04:07,175
I'm enough, and I learned that from you.
You know what we're gonna do?
996
01:04:07,177 --> 01:04:09,611
We're gonna fly. We're gonna take trips.
I'm gonna go to therapy.
997
01:04:09,613 --> 01:04:12,480
Get over my fear of airplanes and go anyplace you wanna go.
998
01:04:12,482 --> 01:04:15,984
Adam, stop it.
Stop it right now.
999
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:19,888
All right.
Well, let me just ask you, then.
1000
01:04:19,890 --> 01:04:23,158
Just straight out.
All kidding aside.
1001
01:04:23,160 --> 01:04:27,262
Katie...
will you marry me?
1002
01:04:29,465 --> 01:04:31,466
No.
1003
01:04:32,969 --> 01:04:36,171
Well, um, well,
1004
01:04:36,173 --> 01:04:38,173
I won't torture you
anymore, then.
1005
01:04:38,175 --> 01:04:40,208
I, uh, you know,
you're happy.
1006
01:04:40,210 --> 01:04:42,210
I'm happy you're happy.
1007
01:04:42,212 --> 01:04:45,247
I made you miserable,
and I'm sorry. No.
1008
01:04:46,249 --> 01:04:48,383
No, but I just want you
to know something.
1009
01:04:48,385 --> 01:04:53,188
- What?
- I-I can't be friends.
1010
01:04:53,190 --> 01:04:55,624
I'm just--
I'm too weak.
1011
01:04:55,626 --> 01:04:58,526
Adam. I mean,
I can't even be around you.
1012
01:04:58,528 --> 01:05:02,631
You're sitting here like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich...
1013
01:05:02,633 --> 01:05:05,200
that I just wanna stuff in my mouth and I can't...
1014
01:05:05,202 --> 01:05:07,369
because, like,
my lips are sewn shut.
1015
01:05:07,371 --> 01:05:11,273
- That's a pretty analogy.
- You know what I mean.
1016
01:05:20,383 --> 01:05:22,584
Have a nice life.
1017
01:05:22,586 --> 01:05:26,288
Don't say that.
You know we'll see each other again.
1018
01:05:26,290 --> 01:05:29,357
Yeah, right.
1019
01:05:41,938 --> 01:05:44,406
Is infatuation love?
1020
01:05:44,408 --> 01:05:46,608
No, but it feels
like it is.
1021
01:05:46,610 --> 01:05:48,610
All those chemicals
pumping through your brain...
1022
01:05:48,612 --> 01:05:51,046
can turn every word
he says into poetry.
1023
01:05:51,048 --> 01:05:53,648
Did I ever tell you what I used to do to my little brother with dog shit?
1024
01:05:53,650 --> 01:05:57,018
Uh-uh.
Whenever he did something I didn't like,
1025
01:05:57,020 --> 01:05:59,321
I'd put dog shit
under his pillow.
1026
01:05:59,323 --> 01:06:01,323
And I'd say, "Hey, Jimmy.
Let's play hide-and-seek.
1027
01:06:01,325 --> 01:06:04,125
Go put your head under the pillow and count to 20."
Mm.
1028
01:06:04,127 --> 01:06:07,963
Half the time,
he'd get to ten before he realized what happened.
1029
01:06:07,965 --> 01:06:11,366
Wow.
Sounds pretty stupid.
1030
01:06:11,368 --> 01:06:14,369
Jimmy? No. No.
He's the smartest one of us kids.
1031
01:06:14,371 --> 01:06:16,371
He's a lawyer now.
1032
01:06:16,373 --> 01:06:18,373
Mm.
1033
01:06:22,445 --> 01:06:26,114
Now do you remember me?
1034
01:06:26,116 --> 01:06:28,283
Hmm?
1035
01:06:28,285 --> 01:06:30,318
Relationships that are
based entirely on sex...
1036
01:06:30,320 --> 01:06:32,687
end the minute
the sex gets boring.
1037
01:06:32,689 --> 01:06:35,390
So, if you want it to last
beyond boring sex,
1038
01:06:35,392 --> 01:06:38,126
you'd better try to connect
on a deeper level.
1039
01:06:38,128 --> 01:06:40,628
I brought us
some cheese sandwiches.
1040
01:06:40,630 --> 01:06:42,630
Thanks.
1041
01:06:46,335 --> 01:06:50,038
Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?
1042
01:06:51,440 --> 01:06:54,209
Yeah. I mean,
as long as they work on the relationship.
1043
01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:56,311
You know,
don't get fat.
1044
01:06:57,313 --> 01:06:59,314
Yeah, I wonder.
1045
01:06:59,316 --> 01:07:02,150
I'm not sure it's natural.
I'd like to think it's possible, though.
1046
01:07:02,152 --> 01:07:06,087
I mean, I think that over time,
we all tend to take each other for granted.
1047
01:07:06,089 --> 01:07:08,757
And after years
of staying together,
1048
01:07:08,759 --> 01:07:12,327
saying "I love you" is like saying "cheese sandwich,"
you know?
1049
01:07:12,329 --> 01:07:15,363
Did you know that Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?
1050
01:07:20,636 --> 01:07:24,372
After the infatuation,
1051
01:07:24,374 --> 01:07:26,741
chemicals in my brain
stopped multiplying.
1052
01:07:26,743 --> 01:07:30,278
I began to get over
my nonjudgmental phase.
1053
01:07:32,282 --> 01:07:34,349
Joey and I were gonna
have a real conversation...
1054
01:07:34,351 --> 01:07:37,786
if it was the last thing
we did.
1055
01:07:37,788 --> 01:07:40,422
I'm gonna die.
Yeah.
1056
01:07:41,457 --> 01:07:45,160
Are you listening to me?
What?
1057
01:07:45,162 --> 01:07:48,096
I'm gonna die.
When?
1058
01:07:48,098 --> 01:07:51,433
Someday.
1059
01:07:51,435 --> 01:07:53,735
Yeah, well,
we're all gonna die, okay?
1060
01:07:53,737 --> 01:07:56,271
Watch the movie.
1061
01:07:56,273 --> 01:07:58,273
Doesn't that
bother you?
1062
01:07:58,275 --> 01:08:00,542
I don't think about
stuff like that.
1063
01:08:00,544 --> 01:08:02,544
Well, why not?
Shh!
1064
01:08:02,546 --> 01:08:05,547
Kate, look.
We're in the middle of a movie.
1065
01:08:05,549 --> 01:08:07,649
Yeah, well,
that's when I think about death the most.
1066
01:08:07,651 --> 01:08:10,151
I look at all these people staring straight into the darkness.
1067
01:08:10,153 --> 01:08:12,487
It freaks me out.
Don't you get that?
1068
01:08:12,489 --> 01:08:15,757
No. Okay? I don't get that.
I mean, why should I get that?
1069
01:08:15,759 --> 01:08:19,561
I don't even want-- I don't wanna get that.
That's the problem.
1070
01:08:19,563 --> 01:08:22,297
When two people are together,
they're supposed to get each other.
1071
01:08:22,299 --> 01:08:24,632
You don't get me.
I don't get you.
1072
01:08:24,634 --> 01:08:28,236
What? What the fuck
are you talking about?
1073
01:08:28,238 --> 01:08:31,706
You know what my problem is?
I'm a floater.
1074
01:08:31,708 --> 01:08:34,476
I float through life like a corpse on a river,
1075
01:08:34,478 --> 01:08:36,478
bumping into rocks
and logs.
1076
01:08:36,480 --> 01:08:38,480
I don't choose my path.
Hey, shut up!
1077
01:08:38,482 --> 01:08:40,548
I just bump into stuff.
Like you.
1078
01:08:40,550 --> 01:08:43,151
I bump into you in a porno store.
Boom, I have sex with you.
1079
01:08:43,153 --> 01:08:45,687
Boom! I'm in a relationship with you!
Boom, I don't think, just boom!
1080
01:08:45,689 --> 01:08:49,324
Shut the fuck up! No, no, no,
no. So that's what I am to you?
1081
01:08:49,326 --> 01:08:52,293
I'm just some goddamned log you just bumped into at a porno store?
1082
01:08:52,295 --> 01:08:54,562
Shh!
You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater.
1083
01:08:54,564 --> 01:08:58,433
They're subscription.
It's prescription, you idiot!
1084
01:08:58,435 --> 01:09:01,903
Shut up!
Okay, Mrs. Thesaurus.
1085
01:09:01,905 --> 01:09:04,239
All right, I'm an idiot.
You know, that's it.
1086
01:09:04,241 --> 01:09:07,342
It's ov-- You know,
hasta la vista, baby.
1087
01:09:07,344 --> 01:09:10,778
Here's a man who
would not take it anymore.
1088
01:09:10,780 --> 01:09:14,649
You're all gonna die.
Think about it. You're all gonna die.
1089
01:09:14,651 --> 01:09:18,586
And nobody will ever remember you because they'll all be dead too!
1090
01:09:18,588 --> 01:09:21,656
Excuse me!
1091
01:09:23,894 --> 01:09:25,894
Hi, this is Adam.
1092
01:09:25,896 --> 01:09:28,596
I'm not home,
so leave a message after the beep.
1093
01:09:28,598 --> 01:09:32,667
Hi, um, it's me.
1094
01:09:32,669 --> 01:09:34,936
Adam, are you there?
1095
01:09:37,606 --> 01:09:41,576
Hello, Kate?
Hi.
1096
01:09:41,578 --> 01:09:44,679
I-I didn't want to call
anybody else.
1097
01:09:44,681 --> 01:09:47,649
Oh, God.
Are you okay? No.
1098
01:09:47,651 --> 01:09:50,318
What's wrong, baby?
We broke up.
1099
01:09:50,320 --> 01:09:53,188
Oh, God.
I broke up with Joey.
1100
01:09:53,190 --> 01:09:56,291
Oh, that's horrible.
1101
01:09:57,426 --> 01:09:59,427
I'm such a failure.
You're not a failure.
1102
01:09:59,429 --> 01:10:01,663
I am.
I'm a relationship leper.
1103
01:10:03,299 --> 01:10:06,668
Not true.
You have more relationship potential than anybody that I know.
1104
01:10:06,670 --> 01:10:10,405
Fuck potential. Anyone can have potential.
Are you kidding?
1105
01:10:10,407 --> 01:10:12,907
Katie, your only problem is that you've had bad timing.
1106
01:10:12,909 --> 01:10:14,909
Two people could be
perfect for each other...
1107
01:10:14,911 --> 01:10:17,745
and if the timing's wrong,
it's never gonna work out for them.
1108
01:10:17,747 --> 01:10:21,216
Bad timing's the reason that most normal people end up single.
1109
01:10:21,218 --> 01:10:23,585
Normal people?
1110
01:10:23,587 --> 01:10:25,920
Yeah, weirdos and creeps are single because they're weird and creepy.
1111
01:10:25,922 --> 01:10:28,623
But people like us,
you know, we're single...
1112
01:10:28,625 --> 01:10:31,392
because we're victims
of bad timing.
1113
01:10:31,394 --> 01:10:33,328
When did you have
things figured out?
1114
01:10:33,330 --> 01:10:37,599
Since you fell in love and I've had to lay in bed awake every night...
1115
01:10:37,601 --> 01:10:41,603
and wonder if I'd ever find anybody who
I feel as normal with as I do with you.
1116
01:10:47,810 --> 01:10:51,813
No. Bad timing, Adam.
1117
01:10:59,488 --> 01:11:02,624
If the timing's ever right,
you just let me know, okay?
1118
01:11:02,626 --> 01:11:04,626
Okay.
1119
01:11:06,595 --> 01:11:08,596
How about now?
You think you're--
1120
01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:10,999
Okay, that's cool.
Take as much time as you want.
1121
01:11:22,745 --> 01:11:25,947
Love is ecstasy and agony,
1122
01:11:25,949 --> 01:11:29,350
freedom and imprisonment,
1123
01:11:29,352 --> 01:11:32,487
belonging and loneliness.
1124
01:11:32,489 --> 01:11:35,723
It's what keeps us together
when life tears us apart.
1125
01:11:38,560 --> 01:11:42,697
So, when you find
that perfect man,
1126
01:11:42,699 --> 01:11:44,699
hold on tight,
1127
01:11:44,701 --> 01:11:47,535
and then call me
so I can run over there...
1128
01:11:47,537 --> 01:11:49,537
and see what he looks like
and laugh...
1129
01:11:49,539 --> 01:11:53,308
because he doesn't exist,
you sad, perky, little optimistic suckers.
1130
01:11:57,880 --> 01:12:01,449
I quit.
I couldn't do the assignment.
1131
01:12:01,451 --> 01:12:03,584
I felt like a fraud
since my first day here.
1132
01:12:03,586 --> 01:12:05,653
Everything I've written
has been crap.
1133
01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:08,589
And I'm-- I'm a total sellout.
I can't do it anymore,
1134
01:12:08,591 --> 01:12:10,591
and I'm-- I'm--
you know, honestly,
1135
01:12:10,593 --> 01:12:12,960
I'm sorry if I've caused you any problems,
all right?
1136
01:12:12,962 --> 01:12:16,597
Wait a minute.
She's way too fat.
1137
01:12:16,599 --> 01:12:18,733
Everything you've written
here has been bullshit?
1138
01:12:18,735 --> 01:12:21,703
Yep.
Nothing has had...
1139
01:12:21,705 --> 01:12:25,740
- even a single grain of truth in your eyes?
- Nothing.
1140
01:12:25,742 --> 01:12:29,744
Your research on blow jobs being able to
cure depression was completely made up.
1141
01:12:29,746 --> 01:12:32,814
No, actually,
that one was true,
1142
01:12:32,816 --> 01:12:35,350
but it only works
for the suckee.
1143
01:12:35,352 --> 01:12:38,119
The sucker
always stays depressed.
1144
01:12:38,121 --> 01:12:40,788
I told you that.
1145
01:13:00,142 --> 01:13:02,543
Hi.
Hi.
1146
01:13:02,545 --> 01:13:06,414
I'm, uh-- no, actually,
could I ask you a few questions?
1147
01:13:06,416 --> 01:13:11,018
Is that okay? Um, sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
1148
01:13:11,020 --> 01:13:14,122
Are you married?
No.
1149
01:13:14,124 --> 01:13:17,825
Do you have any children you haven't told anyone about?
No.
1150
01:13:17,827 --> 01:13:19,827
Do you feel the need
to sow your wild oats...
1151
01:13:19,829 --> 01:13:22,096
and have sex with a lot of different women?
No.
1152
01:13:22,098 --> 01:13:24,499
Are you a liar?
Yes.
1153
01:13:24,501 --> 01:13:26,901
Oh.
Just kidding.
1154
01:13:26,903 --> 01:13:29,604
Good. You got
a sense of humor.
1155
01:13:29,606 --> 01:13:31,606
That was my next question.
1156
01:13:31,608 --> 01:13:33,608
Uh, can you listen?
1157
01:13:33,610 --> 01:13:36,043
I'm sorry. What?
1158
01:13:36,045 --> 01:13:39,147
You see-- you see how I-- I get it.
1159
01:13:39,149 --> 01:13:41,149
Just one more.
I promise.
1160
01:13:41,151 --> 01:13:44,118
Uh, do you have a problem
with complicated women?
1161
01:13:44,120 --> 01:13:47,088
Nope.
Great. Let's go.
1162
01:13:47,090 --> 01:13:50,858
Um, may I--
may I ask you one question?
1163
01:13:50,860 --> 01:13:54,195
Oh, of course. I'm sorry.
Ask anything you want.
1164
01:13:54,197 --> 01:13:57,899
Have you allowed
Jesus Christ into your heart?
1165
01:13:57,901 --> 01:14:01,636
Oh, God!
If I could have one moment of your time.
1166
01:14:01,638 --> 01:14:05,573
No, get out.
May I? May I?
1167
01:14:05,575 --> 01:14:08,176
Okay, but if the next knock is the devil-- Go!
1168
01:14:08,178 --> 01:14:10,778
Yes. Hi. Oh.
Listen. Hi.
1169
01:14:10,780 --> 01:14:13,614
Have you allowed--
Hey, go! Now!
1170
01:14:13,616 --> 01:14:15,883
Here.
Thank you.
1171
01:14:15,885 --> 01:14:17,885
Hi. Are you Kate Wells?
1172
01:14:17,887 --> 01:14:21,889
Yeah. And you're, um, Rob, right?
That's right.
1173
01:14:55,824 --> 01:14:57,825
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
1174
01:14:57,827 --> 01:14:59,827
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. It's a pleasure.
1175
01:14:59,829 --> 01:15:01,963
Thank you.
1176
01:15:01,965 --> 01:15:03,965
Hi. Hi.
Thanks for coming down.
1177
01:15:03,967 --> 01:15:05,967
Yeah, thanks a lot.
Thank you.
1178
01:15:12,875 --> 01:15:14,876
You're good.
1179
01:15:14,878 --> 01:15:16,878
Thank you.
Thank you.
1180
01:15:16,880 --> 01:15:20,081
And nasty.
Right.
1181
01:15:20,083 --> 01:15:22,583
I like my men
good and nasty.
1182
01:15:23,952 --> 01:15:25,953
Thank you.
1183
01:15:27,022 --> 01:15:29,023
You got a girlfriend?
1184
01:15:29,025 --> 01:15:31,792
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
1185
01:15:31,794 --> 01:15:34,295
She's on a date now,
however.
1186
01:15:38,066 --> 01:15:40,067
Yep.
1187
01:16:04,560 --> 01:16:06,561
So, where's
your blind date?
1188
01:16:06,563 --> 01:16:10,031
I told him I was sick.
Oh, yeah. You're sick all right.
1189
01:16:10,033 --> 01:16:12,033
Yeah, for wanting
you back.
1190
01:16:12,035 --> 01:16:16,103
♪ Go down easy, baby
1191
01:16:19,975 --> 01:16:23,811
♪ Go down slow
1192
01:16:28,216 --> 01:16:32,286
♪ Take all
the time you need ♪
1193
01:16:36,191 --> 01:16:41,662
♪ Got no place else to go
Wow.
1194
01:16:41,664 --> 01:16:46,067
That was incredible.
I am very proud of myself.
1195
01:16:48,071 --> 01:16:50,071
I did good, right?
Did I do good?
1196
01:16:50,073 --> 01:16:52,039
Yeah, you did all right.
It was different. Mm-hmm.
1197
01:16:52,041 --> 01:16:55,209
I surprised you with a couple of those things.
I know it.
1198
01:16:55,211 --> 01:17:00,081
You seemed scared. Where'd you learn that?
It's horrible, you know.
1199
01:17:00,083 --> 01:17:02,083
We should break up more often.
Mm.
1200
01:17:02,085 --> 01:17:05,052
We should.
1201
01:17:05,054 --> 01:17:07,788
I love you.
Me too.
1202
01:17:09,091 --> 01:17:13,127
Get out.
1203
01:17:14,396 --> 01:17:16,397
So with Joey,
what is that now, 16?
1204
01:17:16,399 --> 01:17:20,001
Oh, shut up. Fifteen?
No, seriously.
1205
01:17:20,003 --> 01:17:22,403
Fifteen.
I was fourteen.
1206
01:17:22,405 --> 01:17:24,939
What about Peaches?
Tell me about Peaches. Oh, God.
1207
01:17:24,941 --> 01:17:27,041
I don't wanna know about Peaches.
No, you do.
1208
01:17:27,043 --> 01:17:29,343
Where do you think I learned that thing I did?
1209
01:17:29,345 --> 01:17:34,782
♪ People love you like
a diamond in their hands ♪
1210
01:17:34,784 --> 01:17:40,054
♪ They don't know that diamond
like I do ♪
1211
01:17:40,056 --> 01:17:43,724
♪ They put you up
in the bluebird sky ♪
1212
01:17:43,726 --> 01:17:48,996
♪ Until they lose sight
of you ♪
1213
01:17:48,998 --> 01:17:53,134
♪ People love you
like a diamond ♪
1214
01:17:53,136 --> 01:17:55,369
♪ In their hands
1215
01:18:00,042 --> 01:18:03,844
♪ I always wanted
to chase you down ♪
1216
01:18:03,846 --> 01:18:09,383
♪ And like many
I fell in love with you ♪
1217
01:18:09,385 --> 01:18:14,055
♪ And when you gave
your heart back to me ♪
1218
01:18:14,057 --> 01:18:18,893
♪ I didn't know
what to do ♪
1219
01:18:18,895 --> 01:18:21,796
♪ I always wanted
1220
01:18:21,798 --> 01:18:25,299
♪ To chase you down
1221
01:18:29,037 --> 01:18:31,372
♪ Carry me
1222
01:18:31,374 --> 01:18:34,108
♪ Carry me
1223
01:18:34,110 --> 01:18:39,113
♪ Back to your heart
tonight ♪
1224
01:18:39,115 --> 01:18:42,116
♪ Carry me
1225
01:18:42,118 --> 01:18:44,118
♪ Carry me
1226
01:18:44,120 --> 01:18:49,123
♪ Through the moonlit
cold midnight ♪
1227
01:18:56,498 --> 01:19:00,201
♪ If it only was that easy
1228
01:19:07,509 --> 01:19:11,145
♪ If it only was that easy
1229
01:19:15,484 --> 01:19:18,986
♪ If you will never know
1230
01:19:18,988 --> 01:19:23,524
♪ Be strong
and make sure ♪
1231
01:19:23,526 --> 01:19:27,895
♪ You love someone
1232
01:19:27,897 --> 01:19:32,900
♪ Simple words
in the way he called ♪
1233
01:19:32,902 --> 01:19:35,102
♪ This mornin'
1234
01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:39,173
♪
1235
01:19:39,175 --> 01:19:45,079
♪ Don't look too much
Don't live too late ♪
1236
01:19:45,081 --> 01:19:49,316
♪ Just make sure that
you love the life ♪
1237
01:19:49,318 --> 01:19:52,219
♪ You make
1238
01:19:52,221 --> 01:19:56,290
♪ If it only was that easy
1239
01:19:56,292 --> 01:20:01,395
♪ I would surely try it out
1240
01:20:03,231 --> 01:20:07,268
♪ If it only was that easy
1241
01:20:07,270 --> 01:20:13,274
♪ Who would ever worry
about his life ♪
1242
01:20:13,276 --> 01:20:22,583
♪
1243
01:20:22,585 --> 01:20:25,452
♪ We couldn't choose
1244
01:20:25,454 --> 01:20:28,322
♪ Who to be
1245
01:20:28,324 --> 01:20:35,196
♪ When there's a difference
between you and me ♪
1246
01:20:35,198 --> 01:20:38,299
♪ Some are too much
1247
01:20:38,301 --> 01:20:40,935
♪ Sometimes too late
1248
01:20:40,937 --> 01:20:43,470
♪ I'm just happy I have
1249
01:20:43,472 --> 01:20:48,175
♪ A life to live
1250
01:20:48,177 --> 01:20:52,146
♪ If it only was that easy
1251
01:20:52,148 --> 01:20:56,917
♪ I would surely try it out
1252
01:20:56,919 --> 01:20:59,320
♪
1253
01:20:59,322 --> 01:21:03,224
♪ If it only was that easy
1254
01:21:03,226 --> 01:21:08,529
♪ Who would ever worry
about his life ♪
1255
01:21:10,232 --> 01:21:14,201
♪ If it only was that easy
1256
01:21:14,203 --> 01:21:16,203
♪ I would surely
1257
01:21:16,205 --> 01:21:20,241
♪ Try it out
1258
01:21:20,243 --> 01:21:31,018
♪
1259
01:21:31,020 --> 01:21:34,054
♪ Don't look too much
1260
01:21:34,056 --> 01:21:36,490
♪ Don't look too little
1261
01:21:36,492 --> 01:21:39,360
♪ Just make sure
that you love ♪
1262
01:21:39,362 --> 01:21:44,098
♪ The life you live
1263
01:21:44,100 --> 01:21:47,968
♪ If it only was that easy
1264
01:21:47,970 --> 01:21:52,106
♪ I would surely try it out
1265
01:21:52,108 --> 01:21:55,142
♪
1266
01:21:55,144 --> 01:21:59,079
♪ If it only was that easy
1267
01:21:59,081 --> 01:22:02,383
♪ Who would ever worry
1268
01:22:02,385 --> 01:22:06,287
♪ About his life
1269
01:22:06,289 --> 01:22:10,257
♪ If it only was that easy
1270
01:22:10,259 --> 01:22:13,994
♪ I would surely try it out